Challenge Accepted: September 2012

Today’s update is different then past updates - mostly because I am writing it with deep sadness. I see this blog as focused on me and how I handle the various things / circumstances in my life. Which is why I have avoided blogging about my mother. That being said - her recent passing has moved me to share with everyone a little about her. Last month my mother was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (stage 3) Cancer.

Upon learning of my mothers diagnosis she and I discussed her treatment options. It was at this time that she shared with me that she may not be interested in pursing treatment. At the age of 79 she had experienced a very fulfilling life and truth be told she spoke of it in a very somber way. As a daughter those words were difficult to hear, as a cancer survivor I completely understood all the things she spoke of. She said that at her age she felt her age, no only had she slowed down, but she had also acquired a series of medical conditions and limitations. She said the doctor told her that treatment “wouldn’t be that bad”. She knew that treatment would not be easy on her body. She explained it in a very simple way saying, “at least now I know what I will die from”. I have heard my mother carry the burden of others for many years and hearing all of this while difficult was very honest. I ended that conversation with her knowing she needed me to support her and support her decision, just as I had needed her to support me in my decisions with my own treatment. I ended that conversation with her by wishing her strength in sharing this news with my siblings.

When all is said and done I am grateful that my mother and I were able to speak to one another so openly. We knew things about each other that made honesty the simplest of policies.

The circumstances that eventually resulted in my mothers’ death are not the details I would like to share here instead I would like to use this as an opportunity to speak of what her passing has meant to me and the special place she will always have in my heart.

My mother was 43 years old when I was born and my father was 52. As someone who grew up with mature parents I understood that they wouldn’t live forever. My father passed away over a decade ago and my mother was sad and lonely after his passing. My mother was a very humble, caring, compassionate, strict, powerful and master of homeopathy. She raised her own children (9) and had a huge part in raising many others (3 cousins, 4 aunts/uncles and helping countless others). She attended school for one day and never learned to read or write - however knew all there was to know about; money, life, living and teaching. She was raised by her grandparents due to her mothers death at a very young age.

I arrived in Colorado in time to see my mom and spend time with her. My mother had changed a great deal in a very short period of time; she had lost a great deal of color, she was slurring her words, was eating very little and was very weak. Despite all of this she was still declining pain medicine and consistently offered food to her hospital visitors. As I sat with her for several days my goals for her changed and eventually all I cared about was making her as comfortable as possible.

The medical care administered helped make the options (while limited) very clear. The decision to stop treatment and enroll in Hospice was not something we took lightly. Seeing my mother suffer or extending her suffering was not acceptable to any of her children. We found a long-term Hospice facility that suited our needs (space to accommodate many visitors in a home-like environment).

Upon transfer to “Hospice of Saint John” in Lakewood, CO we immediately felt the comforts of palliative care. My mother lived less then 24 hours from the time of her transfer. I would say that what stood out to me the most was the care from the chaplains (there was one on each shift and they lead a few prayers for us). During this time they explained that it was important to say our good-byes and to assure my mom that we would be ok upon her passing. The final chaplain we worked with was “Sandy” (she was marvelous). Sandy was not catholic -- but she was able to offer religious insight saying that her beliefs were “catholic light”. She explained the beauty of heaven and described the process of passing away so beautifully. Sandy explained that many times hospice patients hang on and wait for things including their loved ones or for religious reasons. While we were expecting the priest to come deliver my mothers final sacrament - Sandy explained that it is sufficient to have the desire in your heart for the final sacrament, and it is this desire that facilitates passage into heaven. I explained this to my mother and she made noises as though she understood what I was saying. My mother passed away shortly there after (8/26/12). While I don’t know if this had anything to do with the timing of her passing, I do think she was waiting for the priest.

The priest arrived after my mother passed away - and by this time my mother had over 70 people there. We prayed with the priest and he delivered her final sacrament with all of us present in the Hospice of Saint John Chapel. After her sacrament my family prayed the rosary together.

We had her wake/rosary on Thursday (8/30/12) and her funeral on Friday (8/31/12).

Link to her online obituary below: http://obits.dignitymemorial.com/dignity-memorial/obituary.aspx?n=Felicitas-Valenzuela&lc=2160&pid=159507494&mid=5220799

My family prayed the rosary for nine nights (also known as the novenario) after her funeral (Saturday 9/1/12 - Sunday 9/9/12). This is done to pray for my mothers’ forgiveness of her sins by God and acceptance into heaven.

I was lucky enough to know my mother honestly - but this trip offered the opportunity to learn things from my siblings / family about her, the things she never felt the need to share with me. While there were more stories then I have time to share in this blog there was one story shared by my sister that I found very powerful.

My mother was a very strong woman and in order to keep the house running smoothly she often found the need to behave confidently. She would tell my oldest sister that she needed check her homework everyday. My sister diligently provided her with homework in preparation for the next school day. My mother would take her time in reviewing on a daily basis. My sister grew to expect this and it wasn’t until much later when my father was preparing my mother to come to the United States and sign all the documents that my sister learned about my mothers’ illiteracy. My father asked that she sign her name in a notebook (10 pages front and back) and that she have my siblings check her work. My sister recalls this as the moment she learned that my mom actually had no idea what she looking at when reviewing her homework for years prior. My sister was moved my mothers attention in her education and interest in her scholastic success. This story to me speaks volumes of my mothers strength and courage in encouraging the advancement of her family / children in life.

My Mom with Machete
(which she used to cook)

My Mom Laughing at something silly

My Mom with me during a visit to Colorado

My Mom in her 20s
(absolutely beautiful)

During this trip I was able to spend time thinking about what religion / prayer means to me and what it meant to my mother. Growing up I remember that she found a great deal of comfort and resolve in prayer and while I had always gone through the motions it was not until now that I was also able to find similar comfort / resolve. The other aspect off my mother I appreciated on a new level - was the time she afforded me to spend with family during this challenging time (my; husband, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews). The stories shared about my mother over the last few weeks were both powerful and beautiful.

I learned a while back that life is very precious and we never know how long we have on this earth -- so treat those you encounter well and treat those you love honestly. During this trip I was involved in a car accident (actually on my birthday). I was in the 3rd car of a 5 car pile up. After the accident I was moved by the extent of the damage to my vehicle and the other vehicles. I have never been in an auto accident on my birthday -- and now having been in one I can say that I viewed my birthday totally different - maybe even as an opportunity / reminder that life is fragile and a clear message that I need to live in the moment (appreciating all that there is to experience).